Planes, Trains and Autobahns

BERLIN 2008

pt I - So here’s the Berlin story so far:  A new Carix (we shall call Burt) circulated an e-mail offering a second post for an artist to work 4 days, drawing caricatures in Berlin with him. I jumped and got the job! It sounded well paid, all expenses taken care of… cushty!   Then the client got in touch and started expanding the brief (don’t they always) to include several days of studio work before hand. They had a brilliant marketing idea (NOT) which involved drawing dozens of famous couples and partners in full colour scenarios, replacing alternate heads with those of their customers… uhuh!  I pointed out that this would prove impossible by hand unless drawing on a tablet – digital stylee. The client jumped at this and demanded we draw on laptops…. Burt of course, could  not do this and so buried his head in the sand for a while.  The client (unbelievably) offered to pay £800+ for a laptop and training for Burt !!!!!!!!!!  Meantime, we still had no contracts or briefs. I had a previous booking to cancel. Weeks went by, work rolled in, until I was fully booked all September (woohoo). A list of 18 famous couples rolled in to be drawn, requiring a full week of studio time. I made it clear I had no time. Burt was silent. Another week passed, no contract, no brief, no Burt.  With just 3 weeks til the booking in Berlin, the client went into panic mode and phoned round to check on progress. I had no contract or guarantee, I had no time to devote to the work, I still was waiting to cancel a previous booking and Burt was still up to his neck in sand! To push things further, the client now had a deadline of 1 week to finish 18 full colour famous couples!!!!! “IMPOSSIBLE” I screamed!  Burt was silent….  The job (worth £2500 each) was slipping away; I suggested Luisa Calvo step in and take up the reins. Bingo! By the end of the week we were both drawing nights (between bookings) and had rattled off 5 couples each, by the deadline.  Burt was characteristically silent…   Meantime, I had to cancel my wedding on 4 October. They were not best pleased, but I substituted Sarah Bailey and hope she will do them proud. Luisa also had to cancel a wedding. They were most displeased! They were also inexplicably displeased with the choice of Simon and Sheba Cassini as stand-ins and so called ME instead!  Well, what does one do?? I listened to them bitching and moaning about my friend Luisa  and then (aware that I was responsible for her cancellation), racked with guilt, gave them the name of a new guy to stand in for her… Burt.    Burt had resurfaced, rubbing his eyes and asking where his job was, claiming to have been on holiday and blissfully unaware of the impending deadline for the £2.5k job ….I thought they all deserved each other and I hope he lets them down too HE HE HE HE HE!So, its off to Berlin for Luisa and me on 4th October for 4 days of digital fun and sauerkraut!!! Thanks Burt matey 

BERLIN

pt II  – After several weeks of prep-work and dealing with a demanding client, we were both a little apprehensive about what awaited us in Germany (neither having visited before) but we jumped in our cab and headed to the airport, tablets in hand, nerves on edge. £55 for the first taxi… this was an indication of what was to come. We both clutched our purses as we made our way to Departures.  Some clutching tighter than others… Suddenly a voice was heard asking if we’d forgotten something and a frantic (blond) Luisa realised she’d just left a £200 tip (in Euros) at the Cash Exchange!! She bustled her way through the queue for security and hurried (as fast as her veleveteen legs would carry her, without catching fire) back to the Exchange… only to find no-one there! I waited anxiously at security, the guards twitching their trigger fingers while looking me up and down. An embarrassed Luisa barged her way through the queue towards security, where a small posse of concerned officials were waving a wad of Euros across the security gate!! Much red faces later, we were allowed to head to our gate, for a much deserved glass of wine while we awaited our flight.

Berlin!! We arrived and hailed down a taxi to The Savoy Hotel… no expenses spared there! The hotel was fab, though eyebrows were raised when one key was given to the both of us and asked “double bed or twins?” The thought of having to explain this to Luisa’s husband was too much and so a second room was soon allocated. The rooms were slightly Art Deco, with all the basics, except an iron, kettle or any bath towels or flanels to wash with. Luisa was unphased, as she later explained that she hadn’t infact showered since Woodstock and so would not be needing a capitalist borgoise shower! We dumped the bags and headed for food, in the hope of finding a true German restaurant. Half an hour later we gave up our search and headed for ‘Bar Paris’ where we quenched our thirst for German wine and enjoyed L’escargot followed by Fillet steak. The decor was eccentric to say the least, the company was good and we soaked up the authentic French atmosphere… in Berlin.

Sunday morning and we were being picked up in our Foyer by the client at 8am. I set my mobile alarm for 6.50am, thinking I would be refreshed and ready to face the world by 8am… only to be hailed by a phone call from the Foyer asking where I was. “I’m in the shower” was my response. “Well its 8.15am and the client is getting anxious!” came Luisa’s reply. I too had a blonde moment and realised that I hadn’t put my phone clock forward by the required hour (my alarm had sounded at 7.50am!). I pulled my suit on and ran down the corridor, while zipping my fly and gargling mouthwash. Fortunatley the client was understanding and so we all made our way to the conference.

We arrived with the realisation that I had forgotten my pass and so would have to climb in through an open toilet window, past the SS guards and over the barbed wire. It wasn’t easy, but I managed and soon began to set up my laptop. One hour later, their technician still hadn’t matched my laptop with their plasma monitor and nerves were showing, tempers were fraying! As a last-ditch attemp, I scrolled through my laptop’s options and with a flick of a pressure-pad, we were on display.

Heads down, time to work!

Sweating and fraught with nerves, I drew my first caricature, then my second and soon my 4 hour shift flew by, without food or a break. But I was happy when Luisa turned up to take over my post. I returned to my hotel room for a nap. The client accompanied Luisa back to our hotel and proudly told me that she had drawn 23 clients… “so the challenge is on”!  I instantly wondered if Luisa had been the right choice for the job…. perhaps a novice would’ve made me look better  LOL

The evenings entertainment commenced at our favourite restaurant, Bar Paris, where we enjoyed a healthy salad followed by several Kir Royals and what seemed like a case of Liebfraumilch. A healthy political and social debate ensued, as Mrs De Calvo became more and more tipsy. **What happened next has been edited, due to the severe embarrassment of parties concerned, not to mention a possible National incident, with legal ramifications! **Lets just say Basil Fawlty’s ghost loomed and seemed to take possession of Luisa’s saluting arm!!!

The following day, heads were hung in shame and hangovers were apparent. Though the day passed without incident, the Police never made an appearance and we were getting into the swing of our assigned drawing tasks.

George admires Luisa's artwork

The evening saw us craving the real Germany, so on the hotel’s recommendation, we headed towards a bonafide German restaurant/kellar. We were pleased with the bar, the atmos was good and sausages were aplenty!  We indulged in Bratwurst, sauerkraut and potatoes from the pan, washed down with a tankard of beer. The mood was light and our laughter echoed around the Kellar. A good time was had by all and the evening flew by… another late night!

Mmmm sausage & sauerkraut

Tuesday flew by and a new pen setting saw me enjoying my drawing much more than I had on previous days. Once more lunch was skipped and by the evening we were both ravenous. We decided to side-skip the client’s invitation to dinner and instead chose to head for some sight seeing. The Brandenburg Gate beckoned, with all its pomp and history.

Luisa at Brandenburg Gate

We arrived around 8.30pm to a well lit night-time scene… many photos were taken and we explored the area. The most haunting scene was the Holocaust Memorial, which took the form of an area of concrete slabs, in matrix formation, evoking a cold, un-named graveyard, particularly eary at night.  The Brandenburg Tor itself was grand, but unimpressive. The overwhelming feeling was of sadness and an embarrassed Germany, desperate to eradicate its recent history.

Holocaust Memorial

We headed back across town to another French restaurant.  As we were in the heart of Berlin, I enjoyed a typically French Gin Martini….

Me enjoying a Gin Martini

As it was our last night, we splashed out and I had tuna carpaccio and lobster. Luisa chose the pork tenderloin as I recall… a good choice

Luisa was impressed by the menu

One Tiramisu later, we paid our impressive tab  and headed back to the hotel, passing a number of photo-opportunities on the way; including a Light-bulb Shop and one of several hundred giant statue bears dressed in a dickie-bow and waist-coat.

Wednesday morning came and upon check-out we were asked to pay our room-service bills, which could have proven embarrassing, having already run out of Euros the day before. We both paid up and bid the Savoy “Auf Weidersehen” then headed to our last day of work. The conference was empty and so we ended up drawing other stand staff and annoying hangers-on who insisted we draw them EVERY day on different bodies! I amused one particularly intimidating blond dominatrix of a frauline, when she sat for me and announced “I luff your piercinks!” with a wink… “Really? But you can’t see them!” I replied with a wink. Her cheeks matched her bright red lips, as she chuckled for the next hour! She never left my shoulder from that moment and became my biggest fan!  Meanwhile Luisa had a challenge; a large (22st) Greek looking man, with the features of a walrus and a neck wider than his head, had sat for her (after badgering previous sitters to ‘hurry’) and demanded to look like Johnny Depp in Pirates of the Caribbean. I suggested Laurel & Hardy, but he was determined to look like Cap’n Sparrow. Luisa asked him to face left and was met with “No, this is my better side!”… in all seriousness. We were both in stitches by the end of the drawing, but the sitter never cracked a smile. I’m guessing he has a Fair-ground mirror at home, cos he definitely wasn’t seeing what we were!!

After rumours that Luisa wanted to draw Richard (the client) as a horse, with flaired nostrils, he was understandably nervous to sit for her. Eventually we both took a crack at drawing him.

Luisa draws the client

the client - Richard (by George)

May I add how wonderful Amy was throughout our stay and how totally undemanding she was… and I’m so sorry for making her look like her Mum!

Amy was not amused LOL

Drawing finished for the day, we headed to the cafeteria for our last taste of German sausage and a glass of Warsteiner beer.

Eddie Hitler contemplates his German experience!

One taxi drive later and we were at Berlin airport, waiting for our flight.

Some German airoplanes

All in all we enjoyed our visit to Paris… I mean Berlin, but wouldn’t hurry back there without the lure of serious lucre!

Thanks for accepting the job Luisa, the professional throughout! 

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ZURICH 2009

AKA – Planes, Trains and Canapes:  It all began with an email from a spin-off client from Tesco; Elliott. He needed myself and Jed to draw the usual feedback group (a job we’d done regularly for some 6 years) but this time in Zurich!  I jumped at the chance of an adventure and the wheels were set in motion.

The flight details arrived and we were both booked on a 6.30am flight from London City… that meant driving from Leicester at 2am, arriving Zurich at 9am, then a train to Zug in time for work at 11am… Blimey!!  Jed and I were not impressed at this prospect and tried in vain to find a less exhausting schedule. The best we were offered was a few hours sleep in a Travelodge, the night before the flight. So it came to pass. We trundled into the Travelodge, supped a quick beer then hit the hay at 9pm. I woke at 4.30am, showered then made my way to reception and waited for Jed…. and waited… I rang Jed in a flap and he appeared at 5:05am.  I should explain; I get extremely uptight when on route to a booking, timing is everything to me and to this end poor Jed suffered my wrath all morning!  We checked in at an empty airport and tucked into a delicious breakfast… for £13 a head it shoulda been! This was the beginning of our expenses and the last of our sustainance.

The flight was a delight and I watched the sun rise while Jed snored in the seat beside me…

flight to Zurich

We touched down in good time and found the train station with ease. The train was just a 20 minute wait, then a one hour journey to Zug. The double decker trains were impressive and I looked forward to a scenic Swiss journey. Jed had opened one eye by this time…

Train to Zug

Turns out that the trip was 90% underground; lotta tunnels in Switzerland, so no scenic photos I’m afraid. We arrived at our destination around 10.40am and made ourselves ready for the job ahead. Elliott greeted us and explained they were ‘running late’ and we would have to stay til 3pm possible…. we both climbed inside our boxes and firmly closed the lids!! We planned to catch the 2:15 train back to the airport for our flight at 5:10pm and so were rather anxious to say the least. The lack of sleep had by now turned us both into ravenous, slavvering wolverines, hungry to work and get the hell outa there. Our first sitting came at 11.35am, then a break for lunch… if you can call it that. More a finger buffet.

Lunch with the Clients

Jed had now opened both eyes as you can see. The ‘petit manger’ had barely touched the sides and left us both with rumbling tums. The cafeteria was rather sterile to say the least, but the view was impressive!

Nice office view!

Back to work; The job over-ran and so we had to insist on a taxi to the airport, which got us there in ample time. Panic over, we indulged in buying a lifetime’s supply of Toblerone and praline for our spouses, then retired to the bar/lounge for a well earned beer.

Drinkees at Zurich

Toblerone – £30,  Beer – £5,  Roll – £7.50,  Look on Jed’s face as beer went down – £priceless….

Jed’s eyes had again began to close as we made our way back onto the plane and made ourselves comfy, next to a Japanese businessman with serious personal hygeine problems. We came, we saw nothing, we got knackered, we left. Landed in London at around 6pm and headed out onto the open road once more. We came to an abrupt halt before we reached the Inner Ring Rd, then trundled slowly towards the M11. This was becoming torturous!! Several diversions later, I dropped Jed safely at home in Sandy and headed for the A1 North… which was CLOSED!  I eventually stopped sobbing and turned the car in the direction of a small country lane. I ploughed my way through the villages, across fields and rivers, until I emerged somewhere near Leicester. Battered and broken, the lights beckoned me, as did FOOD. They say you shouldn’t eat after 8pm, but at 10.30pm a bag of chips looked damn good.

Another job well done I thought as I scoffed the chips and fell asleep on my sofa, after 18 hours of travelling….

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ZURICH 2010

02/09/10:  Just back from a day of riding mountains in Wales, scrubbed the mud, packed my bags and hit my bed. Up at 4am for a bonus booking in Switzerland; a very rich lady decided she would like some entertainment at her 50th Birthday lunch, then later at her dinner in Zug, 18 guests in total. Apparently the Swiss have no sense of humour and as an ex-pat the client prefferred an entertainer with a very British sense of humour… ME! Expense was no obstacle and I was given everything I asked for in order to carry out my task.

Main problem was a weekend of weddings, which followed directly on my return from Switzerland. I packed my bags for 4 days away from home.

03/09/10 – 4am:  Bleary eyed I packed my case into my car, along with 4 days’ worth of drawing kit and two suits, then headed off to London City Airport. I love to fly, especially from LCY as its always quick and easy, no queues. The flight to Zurich was a joy, with some spectacular views as a misty Switzerland woke.

I was met at the airport by my gold-clad clients, a lovely couple of Brits, who whisked me across Zurich to a picturesque restaurant, overlooking a beautiful lake, where we awaited our 8 guests. The flamboyant party consisted of camp Fashion designers, personal stylists, graphic designers and self-made money men/women!

 

Lunch flew and less than an hour later I was whisked away in a cab, 100CF in my top pocket, heading for my hotel – the stunning Raddisson Blu. The lobby greets you with a huge modern space, filled mostly by the incredible wine rack, standing some 6o’ high, an impressive feature in perspex.

I was in need of a nap and some food; Sword-fish steak and salad, Coconut soup – 68CF!  Fully rested, I was dressed and ready for my evening in Zug. I headed for the station and hopped a train through the mountains and was met at the train station by my hosts, who walked me through the lovely lakeside town of Zug, on our way to a local Kellar!

03/09 – 7.30pm:  The evening guests were equally flamboyant and made good subjects, all 10 of them… an hour later and I was once more making my way to the train, having thoroughly enjoyed my day in Switzerland.  Oh if all bookings could be this way

04/09/10 – 6.30am:  Breakfast was 37CF (£25) so I skipped it and headed for my plane. I marvelled at the Swiss Alps as I flew home to Blighty the following morning.

Those aren't clouds on the horizon... mountains

I paid for my overnight parking – £53 and headed towards the first of my three weddings that weekend. Welcome home George!!

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SCOTLAND 2011  - Ricoh Women’s Open Golf Tournament

I got the call to travel to Scotland to entertain at a golf thang, not really my scene and a very long way to go. Hence I tried to over-price my fee and pass it along to a colleague. The client however (Ricoh) was adamant that they wanted me at any cost! So my flights were booked, as was my room at the Carnoustie Golf Club Hotel and courtesy cars to ferry me to and from the airport. How could I refuse?

So I flew upto Dundee on the early morning flight on 27th July and was whisked away to Carnoustie Golf Club, to be greeted like a fart in a space suit! The place was full of over-tanned Americans and ultra-conservative golfers (no surprise really). However I bagged a glorious room, overlooking the first tee.

I managed to grab 3 hours sleep before I was suited & booted and waiting for my car to Glamis Castle for the evening’s reception. It was a magnificent drive, through the Scottish countryside and down a mile long driveway, to be greeted by the most amazing castle…

I was to draw for 2 hours in the most glorious surroundings, the childhood home of Queen Mother.

I was in awe of the decor but after a while I became aware of its undertones; a pink drawing room, with homo-erotic paintings on the walls and erotic fireplace statues… a strange place to bring up royalty surely?!

I began by drawing the head of Ricoh, followed by a queue of eager Koreans, all loving my drawings. The buzz was good and I felt like royalty myself.

My evening was fun and all too soon I was driven back to the golf club for my respite. Once again I felt instantly like a porkupine at a balloon party! I could not wait to leave and escape the staring eyes of the conservative masses.

The next day saw a 6 hour wait in the lounge, while the tournament tee’d off behind me. All in all; lovely clients, lovely venue, shame about the hotel LOL. I was happy to be home.
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